Funny Business

While it may be true that those who say, "Laughter is the best medicine!" don't need to take medicine in order to be able to laugh, it is also true that we all need some reasons to laugh in life. This page takes a look at the lighter side of mental illness.

Is there a lighter side? Well, while mental illness itself isn't funny, people with different life circumstances do find humor in different places. So enjoy the jokes, the stories, and the funny pictures below.

If you have something funny to share, send it to me at to meds@mentalmeds.org. Let me know how, or if, you would like your contribution to be attributed.

The Deck of Cards, from the Canonical List of Psychiatrist and Psychologist Jokes

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!" The shrink says "Sit over there and I'll deal with you later."

The Chicken, from the Canonical List of Psychiatrist and Psychologist Jokes

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Sister of the Chicken, from the Canonical List of Psychiatrist and Psychologist Jokes

Psychiatrist: What's wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

The Dustbin, from the Canonical List of Psychiatrist and Psychologist Jokes

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin.
Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish.

Sausage? Yum! from the Canonical List of Psychiatrist and Psychologist Jokes

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds.

The Hot Tub, from the Canonical List of Psychiatrist and Psychologist Jokes

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and they decide to start with a Rorschach test. He's shown the first picture and sees a man and a woman making love at the beach. In the second, a man and a woman making love in a hottub. The third has a man and a woman making love in a park. In all of the pictures, the man sees a couple making love.

After the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "You seem to have a preoccupation with sex."

The man replies, "You're the one with the dirty pictures!"

Hello, from the Canonical List of Psychiatrist and Psychologist Jokes

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello."
The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."

Treason! from the Canonical List of Psychiatrist and Psychologist Jokes

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."

The Mental Hospital Phone Menu, from Elaine

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:
Just Who is the Crazy Person? from Rich

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were chanting and shouting,

    "Thirteen!  Thirteen!  Thirteen!  Thirteen!  Thirteen! Thirteen . . ."

    I was curious to see what they were so excited about, but the fence was too high to see over. Then I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
    Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, and they all started shouting,

    "Fourteen!  Fourteen!  Fourteen!  Fourteen!  Fourteen!..."

The Psychiatrist and Proctologist, from Michelle

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
    The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
    This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
    Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.
    Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
    Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
    So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.
    "Nuts and Butts?" No way.
    "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
    "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

    Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

    Everyone loved it.

A Catholic Boy's Confession, from Grace

A little Italian kid goes to confession.

    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
    "Yes, Father, it is."
    "And who was the girl you were with?"
    "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
    "I cannot say."
    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
    "I'll never tell."
    "Was it Nina Capelli?"
    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
    "My lips are sealed."
    "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped; Joey Pagano and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself."
    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
    "Four months' vacation and five good leads." 

Three Trips, one Death, from Joke Crazy

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.
    "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
    "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
    "What sort of question?"
    "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
    The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

What's Wrong Doc?, also from Joke Crazy.

An elderly woman called the hospital to inquire about the health of a patient.
    "Hospital Operator? Hello, Darling. I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."
    The voice on the other line said, "Would you hold the line please, that's a very unusual request." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"
    She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302."
    He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg... Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, and her doctor says if she continues improving as she is he is going to send her home today at twelve o'clock."
    The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
    "From your enthusiasm," the man on the other end said, "I take it you must be a close family member."
    She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor doesn't tell me anything."

The Doctor will See You Now, from Joke Crazy, which is really on a roll this week.
A patient went into the doctor's office feeling in a great hurry to talk with the doctor. When the receptionist asked about the problem the patient said he thought he was invisible.
    The receptionist told the patient she would have to check with the doctor to see if they would be able to squeeze him in or not.
    When the receptionist told the doctor about the strange condition of the patient, the doctor took a look at his watch, thought for a couple of seconds, and said, "Tell him I can't see him."
A Night at the Asylum, from Top20Fun.com

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
First inmate answers, "Winston Churchill told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

Philosophically Speaking, from Philosopher Jokes.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

The City Boys and the Black Sheep is one of my all-time favorite jokes (which tells you a lot about me). This is also from Philosopher Jokes, where I have spent too much time recently.

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. 
    The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." 
    "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. 
    The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black."
    "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."
- William Knorpp

Doctor's Funnies, from Ajokes

Doctor's stories-You can't make this stuff up. (Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction!)

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
    "Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
    "Now both," I requested.
    There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with BOTH his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

And of course, the best is saved for last.... I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
    "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
    I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly!" 

Migraine, also from Ajokes (Hmm. Would this work for depression?)

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
    "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
    Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
    "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
    "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

A depression joke, from Basic Jokes

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
    When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
    A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
    The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
    "Absolutely," replied the businessman.
    "You went to the beach?"
    "Absolutely."
    "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
    "Absolutely."
    "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
    "Absolutely."
    "And what were the first words you saw?"
    "Chapter 11."

From Mental Jokes.

Psychiatrist, to his nurse: "Please just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying it's a madhouse in here!"

Cop's Toilet has nothing to do with mental illness, but I can't resist it .

Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet? Right now the cops have nothing to go on.


The Top Ten Reasons that you might have Bi-polar Disorder, found on Bipolar CEO's web log.

10. You think Robin Williams should Perk Up.
9. You just bought the Kenny G and Berry Manilow box set just because.
8. You think going to bed on Monday and getting up on Friday is a good rest.
7. What do you mean you’re tired--I had only 3 orgasms!
6. You cannot remember the number 7.
5. You know the names of at least three antidepressants and fifteen mood stabilizers.
4. Your cat’s name is Kay and your dog’s name is Jamison.
3. You bring your own research to the doctor’s.
2. You think a drive from Vancouver, BC to Miami is something to do in four days.

And the Number One reason you may be Bipolar is:

1. Last night you understood the secrets to the universe, and this morning you are contemplating whether the jam goes on top of the peanut butter, or under it.

Q: How do you tell the difference between the staff and patients in a psychiatric hospital?
A: The patients get better, and leave.

Does this dog have a personality disorder?


Why yes, in fact, I am the Very Model of a Psychopharmacologist

Christmas Carols for Mental Illness, from Catdancer

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees
and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia,
All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, .......
(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On The First Day of Christmas
My True Love Gave To Me
(and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
A man getting last instructions as he's leaving the shrink's office.

"This is a problem best left to professionals.  Don't go trying to cheer yourself up."
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to WANT to change.
People who go to a psychiatrist ought to have their head examined.
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